Today I had the opportunity to attend a Biznik event hosted by George Huang and Leif Hansen that was focused on getting more qualified leads for your business.
Sounds trite, I know, but it was a very effective class, and there was one interaction in particular which really resonated with me…
This was a very physical event with a lot of interaction with the other attendees. In one of the exercises everyone in the room paired up with someone they didn’t know. The two of you stood about four feet apart, facing each other, and looked at the ground between each other’s feet. No eye contact.
He told us to move forward or backward (still without looking each other in the eye) until we were both comfortable with the space between us.
Then, once we were comfortable, he instructed us to look the other person in the eye without speaking or diverting our attention away from that person.
Awwwwkward!!!
After a moment or two we were instructed to break eye contact and look down at the floor again.
The instructor then talked for a moment about the people in the room… we are all people… we are all here because we want our business to be better… we all have challenges, hurdles, skills, and talents… etc.
Then he told us to look in each others’ eyes again.
The change was remarkable.
Previously it had been awkward to look another person in the eye openly, without having a specific task, goal, or intention in mind. (Making eye contact is a common way to start a conversation, get someone’s attention, make a point, make an appeal, etc… but making eye contact with a stranger for the sole purpose of making eye contact was awkward. People looked away, laughed, got uncomfortable, etc.)
But now, with the context that they are an imperfect human just like you, suddenly looking them in the eye was an act of respect.
Respect for them.
Respecting yourself.
Respect for those you interact with every single day.
It was a moving and educational moment.
LA
In the last year I’ve attended a few events based on Tantric practice, which initially may seem to have absolutely nothing to do with what you’re talking about here Christian. BUT…the practices, mostly breathing, dancing and meditation all have the same purpose – to assist the participants to be able to stand face to face with another person and look them in the eye without fear, embarrassment or judgement.
In my mind, if you can accept who you are with all your flaws and frailties, then it’s much easier and a really enjoyable experience to look someone else in the eye.
Authenticity – that’s what they call it I think 😉
So, yeah, different approach but same outcome!
Christian
True, it is a different approach, but I also think it leads us down different paths.
In your example, LA, you are finding personal inner strength to stand and face another person. This is – at its core – an aggressive stance. “You can’t hurt me because I am comfortable with my self, so here is my full unguarded self standing in front of you.”
The standpoint we came from in the exercise was one of understanding, rather than defense. “Oh… you are a person just like me, with hopes, fears, strengths, weaknesses, etc.”
To me, the first “way of being” is confrontational, and the second way is embracing. I believe our internal mental state is registered by the other person when they interact with us. So if they see you putting up a tough “you can’t hurt me” way of being it is going to lead to a qualitatively different interaction than one in which you place yourself on equal footing with the other person and embrace them as an equal.
I think these two paths are very close for a bit, and then they diverge in the future. A relationship based on equality is going someplace different than a relationship based on a defensive “you can’t hurt me” stance.
Do you sense that difference in the two approaches as well?
LA
That’s an interesting take on my comment and upon reflection – I’d have to say that I disagree with you completely. I’ve never thought (or felt) this to be an agressive stance.
In my understanding, the point of accepting oneself is not to then use it as a shield or weapon against others, but quite the opposite really. Your comment “You can’t hurt me because I am comfortable with my self, so here is my full unguarded self standing in front of you.” does give the impression that it’s an agressive stance indeed so perhaps my best retort would be so illustrate how the scene plays out in my mind when I have the opportunity to look someone in the eye.
“I’d like to get to know you, would you like to get to know me?”
I know it sounds fairly simplistic but I think you’d have to agree there’s nothing agressive about it. In fact, I think it actually leaves you more vulnerable to greet another with authenticity. I’m not sure where your notion that I’d be standing there battle-ready like Xena Warrior Princess comes from but I hope I’ve offered you another perspective to consider.